The Post About Rankin, Bass, Rudolph, Ethel Merman, 1979, 2009, and Me Screaming At A Cave.

Happy New Year, Everybody!

Hope you guys had fun during the Holidays. I enjoyed watching a lovely series of Rankin and Bass movies. You know, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph’s Shiny New Year, etc.

And then, I was re-traumatized by the one that I’d been haunted by for years. So I thought I would tell you about THAT one.

I keep telling people about Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July, and they all look at me like I’m crazy. Maybe because not a lot of people saw it. But mainly, I think, because I keep talking about it and I’m 35. Technically, I’m not too late to talk about it, because it’s actually a summer movie. Yeah, it was released in the summer of 1979, which may explain why it didn’t do as well as its predecessors. Oh and also? It’s TERRIFYING. Well, at least it was to me when I saw it as a kid.

So when I saw that Christmas in July was on last month, I thought: “Wow! The 30 Year Anniversary of this movie! You know, I’ll bet it’s not as creepy as I remember. I’ll bet I’ll watch it, resolve my all issues and move on. Because going back to the past and trying to relive it in the way that I WISHED it had happened always works for me and isn’t unhealthy at all.”

Right. And now we present me freaking out as an adult to…

(The VHS box says “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July”, but the title here says “Rudoph and Frosty- Christmas in July”. So, already…disconcerting ) It starts out cheerfully enough. There’s Rudolph and Frosty!

And here are Frosty’s kids! Aw. They look like Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

Then an awful wind shows up, Rudolph gets depressed, and there’s no sun for the next 2 hours of the show.

Then Santa Claus comes out of a house, but it’s only to explain why the sun blew out and why we need to get used to it.

It’s because of an evil king named Winterbolt who recently woke up from a deep sleep.

Winterbolt is kind of a douche from the get-go it must be said. He has a lot of emotional baggage and the power to freeze everything and give everybody that S.A.D. disorder, I guess.

So here’s where he lives. Um…..

Yeah…this is…yeesh.

OK, I’m creeped out and we’re only 4 minutes into this.

Winterbolt wants to take back his land from Santa Claus. But Rudolph stands in his way with the power of his dang nose. How does Winterbolt learn about Rudolph and all that nose jazz? Why, by consulting a magical horrifying talking evil magical cave!

I mean LOOK AT THIS. IT’S UPSETTING, RIGHT? I can’t look at it for very long. (Although think it would make an amazing Cake Wreck. ) Then The Magic Cave says -in a voice that makes my bones dissolve- that Rudolph must be destroyed and therefore Winterbolt should totally get out there and network!

So Winterbolt messes with Frosty and his family first. He shows up and lies to Frosty about…something. don’t know…maybe…a circus?….possibly?…

Sigh. Here:
Winterbolt offers Frosty magic amulets that will keep his family from melting and enable them to attend a Fourth of July Circus in which Rudolph is to star, but they will only be protected until the end of the event. Santa agrees to pick up Frosty and his wife Crystal before the magic wears off, but Winterbolt has his ice dragons blow up a blizzard to prevent Santa from arriving on time.

THERE. That’s what Wikipedia said. So everything’s fine.

Then Winterbolt recruits a sleazy Reindeer who is essentially Paul Lynde but with less rage. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but it’s a thing.

The Paul Lyndeer meets up with Rudolph and Frosty at the Circus in…Tampa? Sure, Tampa! Paul Lyndeer tricks Rudolph into doing something evil so that Rudolph loses his nose power. I’M SORRY THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN THAT. Oh, also, Ethel Merman is in the circus,

Hey, but you know, there’s been 2 minutes of sunlight so it BACK TO THE CAVE AGAIN

Winterbolt’s watches his evil plan unfold on a crystal ball and spends some more time with THE CAVE. The Cave tells Winterbolt that Rudolph’s power is gone because of something that happened that I’m too lazy to explain. Point is, Winterbolt can have Santa’s job now. So Winterbolt gets his sleigh of snakes ready. Yes, snakes.

So, so creepy.

And off they go, into the dim, dim light. You know what? Before we leave I have to talk to the cave a minute:

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OK, you know what, Cave? WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME A *&#ING BREAK FOR 5 MINUTES? JUST STOP IT. I HAVE A LIFE. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE AND YOU ARE DRAINING. YOU’RE EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. AND IF YOU’RE UNHAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO BE AS A SUCKING VORTEX GIVING EVERYONE NIGHTMARES THEN YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA. SO GO WASH YOUR FACE AND SHUT THE *#$ UP.
I feel better. Don’t you feel better? And speaking of faces, it’s time for a FACE OFF.

Winterbolt tricks Frosty into giving up his magic top hat so that Frosty is turned back into snow. And Rudolph loses his nose power by robbing a bank and oh…did I forget to mention that Frosty’s wife is played by Shelly Winters? Because she is.

But it’s too late to deal with that. Because Winterbolt ran off with Frosty’s top hat. Also Rudolph is depressed again.

You know…I can’t deal with the…..CAN WE GET TO THE FACE OFF PLEASE?

Rudolph chases after Winterbolt who’s now wearing the magic Top Hat like he’s Taco or something.

And then Rudolph runs into Winterbolt’s gut, grabs Frosty’s hat and it’s over!

Then Rudolph gets his nose power back. Then he laughs in Winterbolt’s face and Winterbolt screams and Rudolph leaves and it’s like every relationship ever.

Rudolph brings the hat back to Frosty and Frosty comes back to life. Yay! The End.

Oh wait! Winterbolt shows up one last time. And the following sequence is why I was obsessed with this movie in the first place. I’ve told people about it and they don’t know what I’m talking about and HERE IT IS. Winterbolt points his scepter at everyone and threatens them.

But then Ethel Merman throws her guns at the scepter, shattering it.

And without his scepter, Winterbolt loses his power and he turns into a tree. I’m sure it’s not as disturbing as I remember.
Yeah, that’s unpleasant to see…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!OH IT’S SO AWFUL-

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Oh, and now it’s over and everything’s OK and everybody just flies away.

Oh….Ok, then! Yay! Everythings OK…I guess…..

So Ethel Merman and Shelly Snowoman and Rudolph and Frosty fly into the air and pretend that none of that stuff just happened. Well, that’s one way to cope. And that’s pretty much the end. Wow. Well it serves me right for trying to relive 1979 as an adult- all I did was scream at claymation and have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable cave. Oh, and also I’ve created the longest, most arduous blogpost to date. So thank you for staying- assuming anybody stayed after the Taco references.

I’m glad I watched this again, but now, just like Rudolph and Shelly, I’m going to just…..float away slowly. And a Happy Merry…1979/2009 to you!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fin?

Note To My Dishwasher.

I actually posted this note on Facebook a while ago, but I just found it again and I still like it. It’s a note to my dishwashing machine.

My Dishwasher
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 at 2:25am

Dear Dishwasher:

THANKS FOR BLOWING UP.

Uccch. This is my life.
I’m sitting here at 2 AM and my room
smells like a wig factory burned down
because of you.
This wouldn’t happen to Corey Feldman.

Sincerely,

Me

The best part was that my friend Barbie wrote back as the Dishwasher:

Dear Lesley,

It was my pleasure.

Always There For You,

The Dishwasher.

No More Going Outside.

So I went to get coffee today. There was an 80-something year-old woman at the coffee shop wearing a red Thriller jacket, white pants, and a pageboy wig. And track shoes. As I gazed at her, powerless to look away, it occurred to me that she looked exactly like Emo Philips in this youtube clip.

Then I thought.. “Wait, what if she’s TRYING to be Emo Philips?

Or what if it IS Emo Philips, but with a roller walker, track shoes, a pink Escada shopping bag, and osteoporosis?”

Then….she took out a pair of latex gloves and put them on for no apparent reason. And that’s when I realized that this will be me when I’m 80 if I’m not careful-then I had to leave.

Then I went to the grocery store where there was some standoff going on in the Men’s bathroom, with some guy screaming: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU *#&$ING KIDDING ME? NO *$&#*ING WAY! NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???” Which wasn’t the scary part. The scary part was that a crowd was gathering and there was another elderly woman shaking her head about the whole thing. And she turned around and she had huge white frizzy hair in Pippi Longstocking pigtails.

I don’t have a photo for that. There IS no photo for that.

Yeah, so Emo Philips with a hump, Screaming Guy, and old Pippi Longstocking. I’m not going out anymore without wearing a helmet. Or at all.

Today In My Apartment Building….

I found this frog wearing a shirt on the community coffee table in the hall.

Yeah.

And when I came back from dinner…it was GONE. Yep. I didn’t move fast enough on it. I regret everything.

Well, Hello. (Again)

And welcome to my new and improved Blogospherelandship. Or whatever. It is sooooo late and I’ve been up all night making this new design. Well, you sure can tell! Because doesn’t that cartoon look like a person and what not? Oh, I am so out of it. I think I’m hallucinating I’m so tired.

For those of you who enjoyed my old blog, don’t panic! It’s all still here. I’m just giving the blog a facelift. From now on, I’m going to cut down on the endless utube clips that aren’t mine and create more original stuff. But don’t worry. You’ll still get great 70’s and 80’s info-tainment. (And good utube clips when needed). You can also always hop back to My Old Blog format, which I’ll also put on a blogroll.

And away we go!

So….I didn’t do anything today. ANYTHING. Then I spent the whole night feeling guilty about how I should be working on this blog. So now I’m up watching “Werewolf” on Mystery Science Theater on DVD with no pictures of anything. So that’s great.

I’m just going to have to show you pictures of this VHS tape I have yet to watch. Because truly, that is what is “happening” in my life at the moment. Here:

Yep. Here’s the back.

I don’t think these pictures are big enough, do you? Oh, and that’s Cathy Lee Crosby, Eva Gabor and Marla Gibbs. Is it me, or does Cathy Lee Crosby look really, really mad?

Sigh. And here’s a clip of me watching it. I’m unintentionally loud and nasal of course. And I’m congested. Enjoy.

So what is the point of me showing you this VHS? Especially when the blog is supposed to be about my daily life? I think the point is that by this time next year, I would like to NOT be sitting home watching this VHS , quietly sobbing while applying “Cool Tone” makeup to my face.

That would work out fine.

Thanks, Again!

Well, it’s time to give again to celebrate Thanksgiving. With the help of of the Thanks Rock rock. I’m so excited!

Ok, first of all, I’m ful for WATERBEDS.
Ahh, waterbeds. They’re like sleeping on a hot bladder that moves.

I’d also like to say
to

Uch…..I can’t follow much of a coherent thought pattern tonight. Do I really have to list a bunch of crap that I’m Thankful for? God WHO CARES? It’s Saturday night and I’m ALONE and listening to the Tic Tac Dough theme and going…THIS IS MY LIFE? THIS IS IT?

FINE. SO BE IT. I look destiny in the face and say
JUST WHAT I WANTED. YOU HEARD ME.

I need to get up and stretch and dance. Dance everybody! Dance to the Tic Tac Dough Theme! Come on! DANCE! DANCE! GET UP! GET UP!

That was empowering. I feel better. Yes, quite a Network moment for me.

Well, that’s it. I pretty much don’t know how to end this. Awkward.

So here’s this Corey Feldman clip to distract you while I run away.

What? That’s it. Is there a problem? Did you want to say something to me? NO? Fantastic.

Timely Cop

The Election is almost here and we’re all going crazy. So my pal Mikel and I thought we could get our minds off of it by watching the movie Timecop together. How wrong we were.

For for those of you who don’t know, this is Mikel. We do a lot of movie “commenting” together.

Now back to Timecop!

What’s Timecop about? I watched it and I still don’t know. I’m just cutting and pasting what the DVD sleeve from Netflix said:

It’s 1994, and policeman Max Walker (Claude Van Damme) has just watched his wife (Mia Sara) die when their home is blown to bits by criminals…… When Walker goes back in time to stop a corrupt senator, he learns that his wife’s death was actually an attack on him — for something he hadn’t even done … yet.

Well that cleared things up, didn’t it? Ironically, when we just gave up and watched Timecop, we discovered that the movie actually makes sense in the context of time!!!! Why? Because Timecop is JUST LIKE THE 2008 ELECTION.

With that in mind, here are our most significant comments during the film. Read on!

Me: Timecop!

Mikel: Now with bad font.

Me: It is SO HOT in here, isn’t it? Am I screaming?

Mikel: You are screaming, yes….Let’s preface this. It is October, 2008…

Me: October, 2008 TM!

Me: Meanwhile…Washington! The present! Of…1994.

Me: They’re all asking each other for money for Time Travel.

Mikel: That would be like asking for time travel money now!

Me: Yeah! They should travel through time to Fall of 2008. And ask for money. From the GOVERNMENT.

Mikel: God, stop yelling!

Me: FOR MONEY!

Fast forward to Wall Street…..1929! What?

Mikel: Who knew we’d pick the perfect Recession movie?

Lesley: This is SUCH a perfect Recession movie!

So, here’s a bad guy from the future. Of 1994. He’s cheating on the 1929 stockmarket.

And he has a MIDI-player.

Mikel: Is that a MIDI player from 1994?

Lesley: Now use your giant cell phone!

Mikel: Oh, great, Jean Claude Can Damme just walked into 1929.

Lesley: Through a wormhole. He is mad. He does not like these shenanigans.

Mikel: 23 Skidoo! In your face!

Meanwhile, back in…the…future of the…present…? Whatever. Any there’s an election going on. See?

And people couldn’t be more excited. Also, Ron Silver (playing formidable Senator McCombe) is running for president. McCombe is using a government time machine to go back in time and rig the election. No, I don’t know how. Just leave me alone!

Mikel: Really? There’s a guy named MCCOMBE, running for president?

Lesley: I know, right?

Mikel: He’s a real maverick, that MCCOMBE.

Lesley: Both of him!

McCombe did lots of bad stuff earlier….. but then Walker goes back in time to stop him…by having this conversation?

And Ron Silver talks about how Time Travel should be eliminated because the economy is bad.

Mikel: Are you saying you want to regulate things? Because we believe in Time Travel regulating itself. And until Alan Greenspan comes down here and says that he made a colossal error in judgment about Time Travel, then I want you to to shut your hole.

Lesley: We’re still putting Greenspan on the Wormhole Cabinet.

Our political commentary faded out from there. But let me leave you with this final image:

To me, this image represents the split between America’s Democratic and Republican parties. The sharp, painful…uncomfortable…sweaty…split. Well illustrated, Timecop. We as a nation thank you and salute you.

Happy Election Everyone! God Bless America and Vancouver! For Timecop!

Please Stand By

Sorry I haven’t been blogging! More blog soon.

Beautiful.

My wonderful Grandfather passed away at the age of 90 this month. For those of you who knew him or heard me talk about him, I’m so glad you did. For those who never met him, I’ll just say that he was a loving, giving, incredibly bright and loyal man, and he helped to make me who I am today.

One of Grandpa’s favorite quotes was from Rabbi Hillel who said: ” If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?” Grandpa always said this to me to help give me strength, or inspiration, or just to remind me about what a good quote it is.

Just wanted to share some quotes of his with you.

Grandpa’s Quotes

“Hellooooo (insert name here)!!!!!”

” What do you want to eat? We’ve got turkey, we got pasta, we got meatloaf , we got zuppa zuppa (soup)…. we got cake…we got everything. Try everything”

“We had a dog on our farm that was so fast. He would zip around the house and he would zip here…and he would zip there…and zip around…and we called him…ummmm….Zippy!”

“You are a wonderful, special, intelligent, beautiful person. Don’t let anyone tell you different.” (That was to me.)

And finally, the one he said all the time……

“Beautiful”.

Thanks, Grandpa. I love ya.

Phantasquake!

As most of you know, we had a 5.4 earthquake yesterday in Southern California. No catastrophes reported yet, thank goodness. Then, everybody got a hold of each other on Facebook and it was OK.

It was pretty scary when it was happening, though. A very long 30 seconds. It was intense enough to disrupt the Judge Judy show.

How much weirder could the day get? Well, today I ALSO found out that there’s going to be an outdoor screening of Phantasm in LA. And only 2 days ago I had said” “Hey, you know what they should show outside in LA? Phantasm!”!!!!

*

* Not Phantasm (Go Brewers!)

Sorry. We’ve had enough scary earthquake stuff, today, so no scary Phantasm pics. Instead, we’ll have cute stuffed animals. Well, actually, I keep looking for cute stuffed animals, but I keep stumbling upon mildly unsettling stuffed animals. Hey, not to go off on a tangent, but WHAT IS THIS?

It’s listed as a “Ducksheep”. Great, NOW it’s not upsetting. I’m buying this thing just to keep it off the market. And I’m naming it “Phantasm”.

Oh, and I’m also going to buy THIS MUSTACHE STUFFED ANIMAL and name it Phantasm II. What the..?

Um…..to sum up…..everyone was OK from the earthquake and I found out that I’m psychically linked to Phantasm. Or this mustache. Whatever.