And don’t forget to buy your Rubick’s Cube With A Moustache Costumes for Halloween!

Got a ticket for Temple.

Completely missed Temple after arriving late.

Went for snack in Beverly Hills and saw the star of Glee, Lea Michelle, sitting 2 feet away. Accidentally made eye contact, resulting in her getting up, leaving very fast and driving away.

Went to Kitson boutique. Bought Ms. Pac-Man barrette.

Forgot that it was Rosh Hashanah. Entirely.

Happy Ms Pac-Man Barrette, everyone!

You gotta admire the dedication and the love that went into this photo. Yes, this is an actual photo sent to me. Awesome. Please insert your caption here.

Don’t worry. My Birthday called me up later crying and offering me money and we got back together.

Again, sorry for the lack of image quality. This pic was too big to scan. I’m going to have to figure out a better way to do this. Or not. Anyway, there you go, Barbie! Love, ME.

OK, I’ll do this again tomorrow. Get ready for more “adventures”.

Hope you guys had fun during the Holidays. I enjoyed watching a lovely series of Rankin and Bass movies. You know, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph’s Shiny New Year, etc.

And then, I was re-traumatized by the one that I’d been haunted by for years. So I thought I would tell you about THAT one.

I keep telling people about Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July, and they all look at me like I’m crazy. Maybe because not a lot of people saw it. But mainly, I think, because I keep talking about it and I’m 35. Technically, I’m not too late to talk about it, because it’s actually a summer movie. Yeah, it was released in the summer of 1979, which may explain why it didn’t do as well as its predecessors. Oh and also? It’s TERRIFYING. Well, at least it was to me when I saw it as a kid.

So when I saw that Christmas in July was on last month, I thought: “Wow! The 30 Year Anniversary of this movie! You know, I’ll bet it’s not as creepy as I remember. I’ll bet I’ll watch it, resolve my all issues and move on. Because going back to the past and trying to relive it in the way that I WISHED it had happened always works for me and isn’t unhealthy at all.”

Right. And now we present me freaking out as an adult to…

(The VHS box says “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July”, but the title here says “Rudoph and Frosty- Christmas in July”. So, already…disconcerting ) It starts out cheerfully enough. There’s Rudolph and Frosty!

And here are Frosty’s kids! Aw. They look like Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

Then an awful wind shows up, Rudolph gets depressed, and there’s no sun for the next 2 hours of the show.

Then Santa Claus comes out of a house, but it’s only to explain why the sun blew out and why we need to get used to it.

It’s because of an evil king named Winterbolt who recently woke up from a deep sleep.

Winterbolt is kind of a douche from the get-go it must be said. He has a lot of emotional baggage and the power to freeze everything and give everybody that S.A.D. disorder, I guess.

So here’s where he lives. Um…..

Yeah…this is…yeesh.

OK, I’m creeped out and we’re only 4 minutes into this.

Winterbolt wants to take back his land from Santa Claus. But Rudolph stands in his way with the power of his dang nose. How does Winterbolt learn about Rudolph and all that nose jazz? Why, by consulting a magical horrifying talking evil magical cave!

I mean LOOK AT THIS. IT’S UPSETTING, RIGHT? I can’t look at it for very long. (Although think it would make an amazing Cake Wreck. ) Then The Magic Cave says -in a voice that makes my bones dissolve- that Rudolph must be destroyed and therefore Winterbolt should totally get out there and network!

So Winterbolt messes with Frosty and his family first. He shows up and lies to Frosty about…something. don’t know…maybe…a circus?….possibly?…

Sigh. Here:
Winterbolt offers Frosty magic amulets that will keep his family from melting and enable them to attend a Fourth of July Circus in which Rudolph is to star, but they will only be protected until the end of the event. Santa agrees to pick up Frosty and his wife Crystal before the magic wears off, but Winterbolt has his ice dragons blow up a blizzard to prevent Santa from arriving on time.

THERE. That’s what Wikipedia said. So everything’s fine.

Then Winterbolt recruits a sleazy Reindeer who is essentially Paul Lynde but with less rage. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, but it’s a thing.

The Paul Lyndeer meets up with Rudolph and Frosty at the Circus in…Tampa? Sure, Tampa! Paul Lyndeer tricks Rudolph into doing something evil so that Rudolph loses his nose power. I’M SORRY THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN THAT. Oh, also, Ethel Merman is in the circus,

Hey, but you know, there’s been 2 minutes of sunlight so it BACK TO THE CAVE AGAIN

Winterbolt’s watches his evil plan unfold on a crystal ball and spends some more time with THE CAVE. The Cave tells Winterbolt that Rudolph’s power is gone because of something that happened that I’m too lazy to explain. Point is, Winterbolt can have Santa’s job now. So Winterbolt gets his sleigh of snakes ready. Yes, snakes.

So, so creepy.

And off they go, into the dim, dim light. You know what? Before we leave I have to talk to the cave a minute:

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OK, you know what, Cave? WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME A *&#ING BREAK FOR 5 MINUTES? JUST STOP IT. I HAVE A LIFE. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY JUST LIKE ANYBODY ELSE AND YOU ARE DRAINING. YOU’RE EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. AND IF YOU’RE UNHAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO BE AS A SUCKING VORTEX GIVING EVERYONE NIGHTMARES THEN YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA. SO GO WASH YOUR FACE AND SHUT THE *#$ UP.
I feel better. Don’t you feel better? And speaking of faces, it’s time for a FACE OFF.

Winterbolt tricks Frosty into giving up his magic top hat so that Frosty is turned back into snow. And Rudolph loses his nose power by robbing a bank and oh…did I forget to mention that Frosty’s wife is played by Shelly Winters? Because she is.

But it’s too late to deal with that. Because Winterbolt ran off with Frosty’s top hat. Also Rudolph is depressed again.

You know…I can’t deal with the…..CAN WE GET TO THE FACE OFF PLEASE?

Rudolph chases after Winterbolt who’s now wearing the magic Top Hat like he’s Taco or something.

And then Rudolph runs into Winterbolt’s gut, grabs Frosty’s hat and it’s over!

Then Rudolph gets his nose power back. Then he laughs in Winterbolt’s face and Winterbolt screams and Rudolph leaves and it’s like every relationship ever.

Rudolph brings the hat back to Frosty and Frosty comes back to life. Yay! The End.

Oh wait! Winterbolt shows up one last time. And the following sequence is why I was obsessed with this movie in the first place. I’ve told people about it and they don’t know what I’m talking about and HERE IT IS. Winterbolt points his scepter at everyone and threatens them.

But then Ethel Merman throws her guns at the scepter, shattering it.

And without his scepter, Winterbolt loses his power and he turns into a tree. I’m sure it’s not as disturbing as I remember.
Yeah, that’s unpleasant to see…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!OH IT’S SO AWFUL-

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Oh, and now it’s over and everything’s OK and everybody just flies away.

Oh….Ok, then! Yay! Everythings OK…I guess…..

So Ethel Merman and Shelly Snowoman and Rudolph and Frosty fly into the air and pretend that none of that stuff just happened. Well, that’s one way to cope. And that’s pretty much the end. Wow. Well it serves me right for trying to relive 1979 as an adult- all I did was scream at claymation and have a relationship with an emotionally unavailable cave. Oh, and also I’ve created the longest, most arduous blogpost to date. So thank you for staying- assuming anybody stayed after the Taco references.

I’m glad I watched this again, but now, just like Rudolph and Shelly, I’m going to just…..float away slowly. And a Happy Merry…1979/2009 to you!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fin?