As I’m sure you all know, there’s nothing I enjoy more than a good mystery movie. Yep. Give me an old fashioned ripping yarn wih a foggy night, a host of suspects, and thrilling reveal of the killer in the final act and I’m in paradise.
Oh, fine. Actually, anyone who knows me is probably thinking: “What the *&%^* is Lesley talking about?”
“Lesley is totally high and she is lying. Sure, Lesley likes movies that are bad ripoffs of E.T. the Extra Terrestrial.”
Lesley likes movies with robots that are also liberated women:
“But unless Morgan Fairchild’s just remade “The Mousetrap” on Lifetime, um, NO, Lesley is not a mystery movie addict.”
Well, I’m not high, and OK, maybe I’m not addicted to “Matlock” (yet). But I do enjoy melodramas. And some of them involve a mystery or four. And how else am I supposed to introduce this next photo?
I was at my friend Steve’s place in Milwaukee this summer when we discovered the Sleuth Channel. It’s devoted to all sorts of Sleuthin’ shows. Except for the 1972 movie “Sleuth”. No sign of that.
But they’ve got reruns of Simon & Simon AND Magnum P.I.. And they have tons of Movie Matinees, including the “classic” mystery, “Rollercoaster” with George Segal.
Sadly, that one wasn’t on. But this 1988 remake of “I Saw What You Did” with Shawnee Smith was!
I have no idea if the movie was good or not. And I’ve only seen a bit of the original 1960’s version with Joan Crawford. But there’s a pretty great scene where Shawnee Smith and her little sister, played by Candice Cameron, fall off a burning roof. Don’t worry! They end up fine!
Dang it, I actually don’t have a good picture of that. By then, Steve and I got bored anyway and turned to the Gameshow Network to watch Markie Post on Superpassword.
Later, when we were out for tea, I says to Steve I says, “Hey, Steve, WHY WERE WE WATCHING MARKIE POST ON SUPERPASSWORD FOR AN HOUR?” To which he replied: “It’s a mystery, Honey”.
Can you help me solve some other mysteries? Great!
And now i present….
THE MYSTERY OF THE EMBARRASSING 70’s BOOK WITH THE 80’S SURPRISE
Normally, my apartment lobby has a small pile of last months’s magazines like Time or Newsweek or Shape fanned out in the hallway coffee table. So imagine my double-take last week when I found a pile of 70’s new age books. All frightening and horrible and such, but I was intrigued by this one:
So yes, with a title like “Pleasures” from the 70’s, you can’t help but be curious. But whatever, it was the items actually smashed inside that awakened the detective in me.
First of all, why oh, why were there 2 CRUSHED ROSES in this book? Who put them there? Does it make 70’s erotica smell better? I honestly doubt it.
That’s right. It was a flyer for a self-help seminar from 1987. Here are some excerpts:
“…Most people would just as soon eighty-sixed ’86 because it was probably the disaster of most people’s lives. 1987 is not that kind of year.
We’ve become a nation of people who resent the fact that those who take risks are those that reap the rewards….We buy Gucci watches with Japanese insides, phoney Rollexes, artificial diamonds- anything that will give us the appearance of having things we didn’t earn…
…which brings us to how you earn in 1987…There are two words that will help you in this year. They are: GET HONEST.”
It wraps up with this:
“1987 is one of those years where you’re going to turn things around. That’s really exciting. A word of caution: If you don’t do the work to grow, there will be a corresponding amount of pain…the pain can be excruciating.”
Wha….wait, did this flyer just threaten me? Anyway, there were also lots of class schedules, including an “Identity Workshop”.
I like the fact that the class sounds like a helpful laxative, don’t you?
And finally, there’s this motivational class!
Yeah, that one sounds AWESOME! I can DO THAT. I can’t wait to settle for less, do you hear me, 1987? I’m coming for you, 1987. And then I’m asking for very little and quietly retreating based on a fear of disappointment that will never leave! Thanks, 1987 for crushing me like so many roses!
So what…WAS all that? So many questions, so few answers. Even Angela Lansbury has given up, checked out and gone home. Sometimes in life, there are no answers, and we can only gaze in wonder.
But if you have answers to this mystery, let me know. I have crushed roses to put in a dusty hope chest, and I think “Rollercoaster” is on, so I’m out of here.