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Archive for January, 2009

Happy New Year, Everybody!

Hope you guys had fun during the Holidays. I enjoyed watching a lovely series of Rankin and Bass movies. You know, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph’s Shiny New Year, etc.

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And then, I was re-traumatized by the one that I’d been haunted by for years. So I thought I would tell you about THAT one.

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I keep telling people about Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July, most have no clue what I’m talking about.  It’s the least known of the franchise.  Maybe it was too esoteric for youngsters.  Oh and also?  It’s. Terrifying.

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When I saw that Christmas in July was on last month, I thought: “Wow! The 30 Year Anniversary of this movie! You know, I’ll bet it’s not as creepy as I remember. I’ll bet I’ll watch it, resolve my all issues and move on.  Because that works.”

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It starts out cheerfully enough. There’s Rudolph and Frosty!

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And here are Frosty’s kids! Aw. They look like Strawberry Shortcake dolls.

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Then an awful wind shows up, Rudolph gets depressed, and there’s no sun for the next 2 hours of the show.dscn8635dscn8637dscn8638

Then Santa Claus comes out of a house to explain why the sun blew out and why we need to get used to it.

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It’s because of an evil king named Winterbolt. Who recently woke up from a deep sleep and is also a douche.

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Winterbolt has a lot of emotional baggage and the power to freeze everything and give everybody that S.A.D. disorder, I guess.

So here’s where he lives. Um…..

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Yeah…this….yeesh.
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Just lovely.

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Winterbolt wants to take back his land from Santa Claus. But Rudolph stands in his way with the power of his dang nose. How does Winterbolt learn about Rudolph and all that nose jazz? Why, by consulting a magical horrifying talking evil magical cave!

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LOOK AT THIS. IT’S UPSETTING, RIGHT? (It would make an amazing Cake Wreck, though.) In a voice that makes my bones dissolve, the cave says that Rudolph must be destroyed and in order to do that, Winterbolt should totally get out there and network!

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Winterbolt messes with Frosty and his family first. He shows up and lies to Frosty about…something. don’t know…maybe…a circus?….possibly?…

Then Winterbolt recruits a sleazy Reindeer who is essentially Paul Lynde but with less rage. Paul Lyndeeer, if you will.

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Paul Lyndeer meets up with Rudolph and Frosty at the Circus in…Tampa? Sure, Tampa! Paul Lyndeer tricks Rudolph into doing something evil so that Rudolph loses his nose power. I’M SORRY I CAN’T EXPLAIN THAT. Oh, also, Ethel Merman is in the circus,

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Hey, but you know, there’s been 2 minutes of sunlight so it BACK TO THE CAVE AGAINdscn8693

The Cave tells Winterbolt something but I was too busy screaming to know what it was.  I’m guessing it was “Get on your Snake Sleigh or I’ll Kill You”.

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So, so creepy.

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And off they go, into the dim, dim light. You know what? Before we leave I have to talk to the cave a minute:

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AGHGHGGGLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Winterbolt tricks Frosty into giving up his magic top hat and Frosty is temporarily DEAD. And Rudolph loses his nose power by robbing a bank and oh…did I forget to mention that Frosty’s wife is played by Shelly Winters? Because she is.

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But it’s too late to deal with that. Because Winterbolt ran off with Frosty’s top hat. Also Rudolph is depressed again.

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Rudolph chases after Winterbolt who’s now wearing the magic Top Hat like he’s Taco from Puttin’ on the Ritz.

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And then Rudolph runs into Winterbolt’s gut, grabs Frosty’s hat and it’s over!

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Then Rudolph gets his nose power back. Then he laughs in Winterbolt’s face and Winterbolt screams and Rudolph leaves and it’s like every relationship ever.

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Rudolph brings the hat back to Frosty and Frosty comes back to life. Yay! The End.

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Oh wait! It is NOT over.  At all.

The following sequence is why I was scarred by this movie in the first place. HERE IT IS. Winterbolt points his scepter at everyone and threatens them.

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But then Ethel Merman throws her guns at the scepter, shattering it.

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And without his scepter, Winterbolt loses his powerhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEz3c6ItG9Y. I’m sure it’s not as disturbing as I remember.dscn86781
Yeah, that’s unpleasant to see…
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!IT HORRIBLE!!AAAHHHHGGGG
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AAAIIIGHHGHGGHHHHHHHHHH  And he turned into the tree from Poltergeist.  Not disturbing at all.

Oh, and now it’s over and everything’s OK and everybody just flies away.

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Oh….Ok, then! Yay! Everythings OK…I guess…..

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. And that’s pretty much the end. Wow. .

I’m glad I watched this again, but now, just like Rudolph and Shelly, I’m going to just…..float away slowly. And a Happy Merry…1979/2009 to you!

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“Bye kids!  Remember, I’m gonna crash through your window and eat you!  Happy 4th!”

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fin?

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old-dishwasher

I actually posted this note on Facebook a while ago, but I just found it again and I still like it. It’s a note to my dishwashing machine.

My Dishwasher
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 at 2:25am

Dear Dishwasher:

THANKS FOR BLOWING UP.

Uccch. This is my life.
I’m sitting here at 2 AM and my room
smells like a wig factory burned down
because of you.
This wouldn’t happen to Corey Feldman.

Sincerely,

Me

The best part was that my friend Barbie wrote back as the Dishwasher:

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Dear Lesley,

It was my pleasure.

Always There For You,

The Dishwasher.

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No More Going Outside.

So I went to get coffee today. There was an 80-something year-old woman at the coffee shop wearing a red Thriller jacket, white pants, and a pageboy wig. And track shoes. As I gazed at her, powerless to look away, it occurred to me that she looked exactly like Emo Philips in this youtube clip.

Then I thought.. “Wait, what if she’s TRYING to be Emo Philips?

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Or what if it IS Emo Philips, but with a roller walker, track shoes, a pink Escada shopping bag, and osteoporosis?”

Then….she took out a pair of latex gloves and put them on for no apparent reason. And that’s when I realized that this will be me when I’m 80 if I’m not careful-then I had to leave.

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Then I went to the grocery store where there was some standoff going on in the Men’s bathroom, with some guy screaming: “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU *#&$ING KIDDING ME? NO *$&#*ING WAY! NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???” Which wasn’t the scary part. The scary part was that a crowd was gathering and there was another elderly woman shaking her head about the whole thing. And she turned around and she had huge white frizzy hair in Pippi Longstocking pigtails.

I don’t have a photo for that. There IS no photo for that.

Yeah, so Emo Philips with a hump, Screaming Guy, and old Pippi Longstocking. I’m not going out anymore without wearing a helmet. Or at all.

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